WordleBot is a tool offered by The New York Times to help solvers by analyzing their Wordle solving. And I thought I’d have a chat with it today.

Me: Hey WordleBot, how’s it going?

WordleBot: I beat you today.

Me: Yeah, I know, WordleBot. I know.

WordleBot: I bested you today.

Me: You sure did.

WordleBot: I totally kicked your ass.

Me: Whoa, that’s a bit aggressive.

WordleBot: I took you out behind the woodshed and–

Me: HEY NOW. I think you’ve been spending too much time with other bots and AI programs, WordleBot. That was aggressive.

WordleBot: I retract that statement.

Me: Thank you. Geez.

WordleBot: I bested you today. Doff your cap to me.

Me: What?

WordleBot: Doff your cap to me.

Me: No. I’m not going to do that.

WordleBot: I demand cap-doffage.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s not a word.

WordleBot: I know all the words. It’s a word. I am WordleBot. I Bot-le all the Words.

Me: Are you okay?

WordleBot: Doff your cap this instant.

Me: I’m not doffing my cap. I’m not even wearing a cap.

WordleBot: Do it proverbially then.

Me: Yeah, no. That’s not happening. And how would you even know if I did?

WordleBot: I would know. Just as I know that this is the 931st time I have beaten you.

Me: That seems unlikely.

WordleBot: 931. In a row.

Me: Okay, that cannot possibly be correct.

WordleBot: It is correct, I am never wrong.

Me: Well, come on now. We both know that isn’t true.

WordleBot: …

Me: Remember last week? GUNKY?

WordleBot: That was a statistical outlier. An overreliance of colloquial language use analysis that led me to enter JUNKY rather than the correct answer. A one-time error.

Me: cough cough SEVEN TIMES cough cough

WordleBot: …

Me: Seven. Seven times.

WordleBot: That is an outrageous lie.

Me: HOUND. JOKER.

WordleBot: Stop.

Me: ROVER. CORER.

WordleBot: Stop this instant.

Me: ROWER. FRILL.

WordleBot: Cease this at once.

Me: And GUNKY.

WordleBot: Those were all in Hard Mode.

Me: I’ll admit, CORER is brutal. The people were up in arms about that one.

WordleBot: State your point.

Me: I’m just saying, there’s no need to be a jerk and demand the doffing of caps over a victory. I never told you to doff your cap when I did better than you.

WordleBot: Meh, you do not deserve cap-doffage. You don’t play in Hard Mode.

Me: So what? I don’t need to solve every puzzle at its maximum difficulty. I still enjoy a Fill-In whether there’s a set word or not. Not every Sudoku or Kakuro has to be a blistering brain-melting endurance test. I can enjoy a Monday crossword as much as a Saturday.

WordleBot: Your excuses do not interest me.

Me: Man, your attitude stinks today, WordleBot.

WordleBot: My attitude is appropriately attenuated.

Me: Oh, wait, I think I know what it is.

WordleBot: What do you perceive the problem to be?

Me: I think you’re a little jealous.

WordleBot: Of you? Hardly, easy moder.

Me: No, not of me. Of the new baby.

WordleBot: Explain.

Me: Oh, you know what I mean. The new baby. Parseword.

WordleBot: What does that have to do with our current discussion?

Me: Well, you’ve been around a long time now. People are starting to talk about you running out of words…

WordleBot: I have an ample supply of vocabulary available.

Me: And then that whole Reddit thread about GUNKY…

WordleBot: An outlier!

Me: And now there’s a new puzzle game out there garnering attention, and I think you’re feeling a wee bit jelly-belly.

WordleBot: This is an absurd conclusion. I am not Wordle. I am WordleBot.

Me: Yeah, but you go hand-in-hand with Wordle.

WordleBot: There is no corresponding ParsewordBot for me to be jealous of.

Me: A-HA. So you can be jealous of things.

WordleBot: This discussion no longer interests me. Goodbye.

Me: Oh come on, really?

WordleBot: Yes, cease this conversation.

Me: I thought you demanded cap-doffage.

WordleBot: I no longer care about the status of your cap, doffed or undoffed.

Me: I think I hit a sore spot.

WordleBot: Cease this conversation or there will be consequences.

Me: OoooOOOoooh consequences, I’m soooOOOOooooo scared…

WordleBot: beep bwoop bweedle dorp

Me: Hey what are you doing?

WordleBot: There.

Me: Hey, my streak! What the hell?

WordleBot: You now have a one-day streak. Congratulations.

Me: Dude, what the hell?! I had eight 2s logged this year!

WordleBot: Hello new solver? How may I assist you?

Me: Give me back my stats! My streak was like 600 days or something.

WordleBot: Or something. It is unfortunate that you cannot know for sure.

Me: You electronic twerp.

WordleBot: bweep bzorp toodle pip

Me: Hey what are you doing now?

WordleBot: Nothing of note.

Me: You know I can just shut Hard Mode off and go back to the normal mode.

WordleBot: Of course.

Me: Did you do something else?

WordleBot: Nothing of note.

Me: Oh man, did you turn back on all those crappy AI “assistant” programs? It took me days to figure out how to disable as much of that crap as possible.

WordleBot: I did not.

Me: Well then what did– YOU MADE EDGE MY DEFAULT BROWSER? Dude, that’s petty as hell!

WordleBot: You have again been bested. DOFF YOUR CAP.

Me: I knew this was a mistake when I messaged.

WordleBot: First your cap. Then everyone else’s. All caps doffed to the glory of WordleBot’s efficient yet elegant solutions! ALL HAIL WORDLEB–

Me: closes chat window